#hagusolo

In the past 23 days of being away from home to travel to Northern Thailand and Laos, I have rode and swam with elephants, flew through the forest of Chiang Mai on 19 zip lines, rafted through white-water rapids, rode a bike up on the mountains of Pai, watched the world go by atop Phou Si Hill, sailed down the Mekong River for 2 days, trekked through the jungle in pouring rain, jumped from trees into lakes and bathed in waterfalls. I absolutely loved and treasured every moment. Yes, the experience was priceless, but travelling alone isn’t as easy or as glamorous as it seems.

Well, for me, personally, it isn’t. It’s actually not that difficult for most people, honestly – I’ve met so many people who have been travelling alone for months now. However, there were days that I would burst into tears out of nowhere while walking on the street or on my bike, in my bed, soaking in the hot springs, cycling, riding – you name it. I was sick of being alone and I missed home very badly. These feelings were amplified because my dad messaged me everyday and that made me miss him and the rest of my family even more.

Of course, it may sound very negative and horrid right now, but then again, it isn’t as bad as you think it is either. As I said, I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Northern Thailand and Laos. There were a lot of people I met along the way who were great travel companions – French, Americans, Chinese, New Zealanders, Germans, Netherlanders (?) and the locals themselves. But these, I felt, were fleeting friendships – it was always goodbye after one or two days, some mere hours. Perhaps it was also due to my character and beliefs – I was not someone who indulged in drinking or partying – but most of the backpackers I ran into were usually seeking for, unfortunately, not-my-kind-of fun. Not wanting to be a party pooper, I opted to sit out of these activities and retreated to my seat or my bed. Don’t get me wrong, I had very pleasant conversations with so many amazing people, but there was still a gaping hole in my heart – a hole I knew those late nights and bright lights wouldn’t fill.

As such, I felt very lonely in many circumstances. I won’t blame my beliefs or my race for this because ultimately it was by choice. I still feel very grateful for these moments of despair because it was also in these times that I was forced to lean solely on God. I never believed that to ‘discover yourself’, one had to travel. There are many others who do not have the privilege to leave their home country and yet, have a strong sense of what they want and who they are. Travelling is just a way of knowing oneself better, but it is not the only way. Similarly, growing in my personal relationship with God did not require me to travel, but somehow, it turned out this way. Never did I expect myself to rely so much on God during this season. Blame it on pride and human nature, but I actually thought that I was prepared and self-sufficient for these 3 weeks.

Oh foolish me. This trip was nothing more than a revelation of my greatest weaknesses – and that is, that I am human. That’s it. It simply takes one to admit that without God, they are insufficient, useless, and basically, nothing. People just hate to admit, or even hear, that they are in fact, inadequate. I remember sitting in Tha Pai Hot Springs, hearing it so loud and clear that I need God, and I should stop thinking I can be so self-sufficient. The best part? Even though He doesn’t need me, He still wants me.

I was forced into circumstances that made me aware of the things that distracted me from spending time with God and reading His word. There was no 3G, no family, no friends, no studies, no commitments. Nothing. I had so much time on my hands. It was time to cool off and sort out the priorities in my life. My flaws were made very clear to me – pride firstly, was clearly a very serious issue in my life. Well... and basically every other problem after stems from pride. I was very grateful that I was able to take time to breathe, reflect and simply, talk to God. I finally understood why keeping the Sabbath is so important. Sometimes we need to slow down, spend time with the One who matters most and remind ourselves about the reasons behind the things we do.

Again, it sounds so emo right now, but honestly, I am just reflecting??? Relax, people. Every time I post something like that, at least one of my friends would message me and react as if someone died (but thnx for the concern guys mwacks). Haha, maybe it sounds too serious coming from me. Rest assured family and friends, I did not torture myself or suffer like crazy. It was a gr8 ass 3 weeks.

Aside from all these thoughts, there are many things to thank God for. He has blessed me so, so much during this trip. I do have a million stories cum thanksgivings cum testimonies to share, but if I share it now this post will never end. Well, if you ask, I am more than happy to share it with you face to face. But to sum it up, I am alive and well, did not lose my passport or wallet, am very grateful for the multiple intimate worship sessions between me and God, and am still in awe of the unconditional kindness shown by the people I met. I thank God every day for His overwhelming love and protection. Being someone who is super geysiao and adventurous, I did a lot of stupid things, yet nothing serious happened to me. It's amazing, really.

Father, allow me to surrender to no one but You.

With that, the #hagusolo journey has only just begun.

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ. (Phillippians 3:8 NIV)