Writing from a position where I am literally b u r s t i n g with so many words, yet I am unable to translate these words into proper sentences. This post has been through many rounds of self-doubt and worry (what if I end up not crediting her enough? why do I need to write this only to find myself in tears again?) - you have no idea - but I speak not with my own courage or determination and I write not for self-glory. Truly, thanks be to God who has opened my eyes to recognise and receive the hope I can have in Him through Jesus Christ. (-:

*takes a deep breath*

It has been a month. 14th January. 14th February. The couples are celebrating, the singles are mourning, but here I am - celebrating and mourning over the memory of a beloved.

If I could sum up the last years of my grandma's life, it would be that she didn't let her cancer define her. Sounds cliché as heck, yea? But truth be told, I can safely say that I have never met anyone as strong and selfless as her in my 22 years of lifetime.

In mid-October 2016, my grandma fell, hurt her head and was admitted to the hospital. Nothing serious, nothing grave. But it was then that my father and uncle found out that her breast cancer cells had spread and it had reached the fourth and deadliest stage. She had not told a single soul about the worsening of her cancer prior to the fall. When my dad informed us, I remember thinking that she had not much longer to live. I also remember being unable to stop the tears from streaming down my face at the Hall 9 bus stop. I thought to myself, 'Tomorrow when I visit her, what should I say to her?"

What do you say to someone whom you may potentially see for the last time?

The next day, we made our way to Tangkak Hospital - the very same hospital that Gong Gong passed away in 3 years ago. I don't dislike hospitals, but neither does it mean I like them. I saw her lying down, looking v helpless, looking v different from the Ahma I was used to. The fall had rendered her bedridden and essentially, fully dependent on others. She was someone who loved to get up and around to do things by herself around the house. I can't imagine how torturous it must have been for her to be lying there being unable to move her arms and legs.

Only a month ago, in September 2016, she visited Singapore after receiving treatment in JB. We ate together; I remember feeding her because her hand was swollen from all the chemo. We laughed together; we were playing with the filters on Snapchat. She was so amused and let slip loud chuckles whenever she saw her contorted face on the screen. Specifically, she was so grateful that all of us were gathered together in one place.

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If I could say I knew my grandma well enough, she would prefer me not to write about her cancer. In fact, she wouldn't want me to write about her at all. She would want me to write about Jesus, His love and His work on the Cross.

Her cancer wasn't what defined her, but really what did, was her identity as a woman and child of God. Out of her character flowed God's love and patience. I came to see that one really could learn to love selflessly if only they are willing to immerse themselves in prayer and reading God's Word. My grandma's last years were a testament to that.

I can't speak for her earlier years, and I can't speak for her life as an older adult in her 60s, because I hadn't existed / I can't remember much. But what I have observed since I was a pre-teen, was that she was someone who - quote my mom - "has a heart of service".

Joyful submission to the Lord and to her husband. Heartfelt service to the people around her. Sacrificial love that could only come from first knowing God's love. The people who have spent more time with my grandma in Tangkak shared several stories about her at her funeral, which proved to me that she wasn't just being "nice" to me just because I was her grandchild, but because she really had a heart for God's people.

She took care of my wheelchair-bound grandpa on her own - my grandpa was almost two times her size - she showered him, changed him, brought him to church. She cooked for me even when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and hardcore insisted that she washed my bowl and cutlery for me. So insistent until I could only stand a metre away from the sink, staring at her back and her swollen hand while she washed away. She didn't tell a single soul about the worsening of her condition because she didn't want to worry anyone. When we found out, she would only live for 3 months after. She cared for her church friends like family, prayed for them, cooked for them and served in church until she could no longer serve when her health took a turn for the worse.

Her heart for God's people could only stem from God's love for her. Even if whatever she gave to all of us was only a fraction of God's mega amazing and upz love, it was already enough to impact so many lives. Because our God is really just SO, SO great. To the world, Death may have conquered on that fateful afternoon on 14th Jan 2017, but that isn't what I see. God has given her the victory through Jesus Christ. Jesus has truly saved her from her sin. And death has been swallowed up in victory.

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Ahma, thank you for showing me how to love and serve others. You have inspired me to live selflessly and love unconditionally. More than that, you have shown me that sharing God's love with others is only made possible if we are able to immerse ourselves in the Word and prayer. You have inspired me to pursue and submit to the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength. Thank you for allowing me to know what it means to be a faithful and selfless woman of God. See you very, very soon x

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Made a video for my grandma's wake when I had nothing to do in the afternoon before the wake - so I thought I should try and be useful in some way or another. Super cheesy video but I bawled my eyes out making it. There is a scene that my grandma sings 'Because He Lives' - that was in End-Oct / Nov 2016 - she sang it with all her heart and it gets me every time. She was bedridden and rendered practically useless. In some sense, she could have spent her time wallowing in self-pity, but she believed with all her heart that, because He lives, she could face tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone. 'Because He Lives' was my grandpa's and grandma's favourite song - it has now become mine.