Where did all the time go? The last time I wrote was the second month into the year, and now we are in the second-last month of the year?????? Wow wow wow???

Ok woman relax!!!

SO many h u g e events happened in the past year... I daresay I have definitely changed quite a bit as a person. Is this what they call adulting? :"< *meeps*

As I began to reflect on the past year, I realised that these significant changes caused significant shifts in my identity, which caused me to grapple with myself quite a bit. 2017 has really been crayyyyy. This year I was both a student and a working adult tween, hehe. I was both an infant, easily tossed back and forth by the deceitful and cunning waves of the world, and a young tree, learning to be rooted and built up in Him. I was also both a grumbling servant, and one who served with joyful obedience.

1. Student / Worker

Undoubtedly, graduating and working was one of the largest things that happened for me this year. It appears to me that it is a terrible thing for many people my age/generation...? I've seen many lament on their social media accounts that "it is the end" or that we've just "sold off our souls." There is a need to experience as much freedom as we can before we chain ourselves to the OL-life forever. Take that gap year. Travel the world.

K... I feel you la, really. I have ever felt the same. It is a huge-ass leap in life after all. I too did not expect myself to make that leap so soon. My initial plans were to go to New Zealand to do Discipleship Training School (DTS) for 6 months. Alhough part of me was genuine in wanting to go in order to equip myself, I believe a large part of my intention was to put off working life for a while and go on the exchange that I never had.

My attitude towards work has changed drastically in the whole course of 2017. Right now if you ask me, I beg to differ that working life sucks. I won't say I love it, but I definitely don't hate it. And the reason for that is not so much that I am having a whale of a time at work (tho I rlly do enjoy it la), but it is more of because God has been so kind in teaching me how to solely rely on Him in the entire process of considering what to do after I grad. I am where I am is because it is testament of God's amazing grace and His hand in my life.

It was a long and hard road to decide what to do after I graduated. When I went up to HK in April right after my FYP, I was struggling #firstworldproblems - I still vividly remember the feelings of uncertainty I felt. I'm sure every person who graduates can empathise - the well-carved out road for every privileged Singaporean youth has finally come to an end. Done with university. The fork in the road. Or worse, the edge of the cliff. Dunudnudnudndndundun what do I do next?

At that point in time I was still in the midst of waiting for the outcome of my job application and they hadn't notified me at all - not even for an interview. It was hard to trust that eventually it would work out for God's purposes. But even so, God was really encouraging me every step of the way through His Word la. On 27 April I wrote in my journal: A view as cloudy as the future, but surely God knows (": Thankful to all who have been praying and reading the Bible with me in this period of wooloomooloo. (Ya... I rlly must have been v confused at that point in time to have written that lmao)

I remember having my mind so set on the CU internship that I prayed that when we meet Florence in HK, she will help to convince my mother how CU can really equip me to read the Bible for myself and with others. But truly, the heart of man plans his way, but it is the Lord who establishes his steps. In the end when my mother and I met Florence, instead of changing the heart of my dear mother, God used her (a random almost-stranger at that point) to change me and show me how stubborn i was in surrendering my plans to His sovereign hands.

Yes, it was my initial intention to learn the Bible and work towards being a missionary immediately after I graduate, but mm, 1) parents, 2) I somehow got the only job I applied for. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my parents for wanting me to find a job first, and especially not God for graciously granting me this job. No, like I said, I enjoy what I am doing at work and I thank God that I am able to take some worry off my parents mind regarding my own financial stability.

Again don't get me wrong, I believe when I got the job it was not so much that God forced me to give up my "dreams which seemingly appears more in line with His plan" - ultimately, it was still MY choice. I could have easily rejected my successful job application and take up the CU internship. But there were many many other factors as well - being able to honour my parents was of course one of them. I am glad I was able to do so in this entire process. Also, the job I am currently doing was also something I did think of doing before wanting to do missions.

What I am trying to get at, really, is that this entire process, graduating, applying for a job, working, was God teaching me to trust in Him and to be assured that everything will always fall neatly in line with His sovereign will. And if I do become a missionary, the lessons I learnt, I believe, will go a long way. When my life is on the line, or when I am persecuted, or when I am threatened, will I be able to proclaim from the bottom of my heart, "God, you are good, and I wholeheartedly trust and believe in you"?

2. Infant / Growing Tree

I also thank God for other significant changes like having several people read with me 121 for the first time this year. There are certainly benefits of studying the Bible 121 with more mature, older women. The godly counsel, the sincerity, and most importantly, the constant manoeuvring back to the ultimately authority.

I was such a n00b.com at the start of the year, really. In Jan this year, Corli - a complete stranger - asked me to read the Bible with her after I talked to her for about... 30 mins??? What the pong ok, this never happened to me in my life. A complete stranger, ok??? And she was pregnant??? Got time? Got energy? I think I said OK because I find it v hard to reject strangers. Oh, and also because her son is super cute.

HAHA ok just kidding la. I mean, I was completely blown away by this initiative. She asked me to choose a short letter to read, and me being a complete noob at the Bible thought 1 Corinthians was a short letter. LOL. Despite that, Corli still said OK. I mean how is it that the love for God's Word and His people can compel others to love a stranger like me?

I praise God for this. I've learnt many things over the course of this year of being a privileged recipient of the 121 ministry with 3 different women. It is super amazing how my Bible knowledge grew so much in the span of a year... To think I really knew so little before this. Can you imagine how much more there is to know? But but but... hold up, it's not so much an academic exercise or a pursuit of knowledge per se, because I've learnt SO MUCH more than just Bible knowledge.

I've caught more glimpses of God's limitless character, more of my own heart as a Christian, and one of the most heartening takeaways was really - learning to love the church.

3. Begrudgingly / Joyfully

1 Cor 8:1 "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up."

Many do know I struggle with loving my own (physical) church - in fact, many of my good friends going overseas / leaving the church has caused me to be jaded to some extent. It's not because they were not there that there was no more reason to attend, but they not being there meant that I had no social support at all. Those who tried to understand, didn't really understand. I really felt very alone and shut out. I felt unheard. I was on a totally different page. It was very sad.

But all these reasons are SO me-centered.

God, in His kindness, led me to pray for my hardened heart. To yearn to love them and to serve them with joyful obedience. This was a long-drawn struggle that I was so so so so x10000000 sick of - but I really praise God for allowing me not to give up.

I still remember even up to the midway mark of this year I was still grumbling. I told Pris, "I don't get it. Why do I even give a shit about people who don't even give a shit about me?" (ok, crude)

And Pris told me... "Ruth, the fact that you are still here shows that it is not YOU who is working, but GOD working through you." It encouraged me a whole lot because it then showed me God was present - that I was staying and loving the people whom I found very difficult to serve not by my own strength.

And praise God because I don't feel this way anymore - I no longer feel that the people in church are hard to serve and love. I am free from the chains that once bound me so tightly. I ACTUALLY love the church. And I still remember this revelation came to me when we finished studying 1 Corinthians. I don't think it was an overnight change, but rather a gradual build up over time as we poured further into Paul's letter to the Corinthians. I was so amazed by God's ministry through Paul that I was eventually compelled to love the church. Everything for the sake of the gospel. Everything for the sake of building up the church.

This eventually led me to read 121 with several others in and outside my church. I have to say, this effort is not my own. Not one bit. If you knew me at the start of 2017, I wasn't someone who would have easily sacrificed my precious Friday and Saturday nights reading the word / investing in other people's lives. To a great extent being single helps obviously! And on a side note, tho I am appreciative of everyone's increasingly great concern as to why I am not attached yet, do know that I find so much contentment in being single, for now. (1 Corinthians 7 hehe)

I am thankful that I am on this particular path I am taking - for all the things that fell into place, the so-called coincidences and the strangers I encountered - I completely surrender and acknowledge that it was God who had a hidden hand in all of this. Every day - whether good or bad - I praise God for how He has shaped me and moulded me. I know I am still a work of art in progress, but I am really looking forward to the day He comes back again and I am completed by His very own hands (":

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I wrote this post because of the dissonance I felt from the many identities I took on this year. But upon completion I realised one thing.

I may have had many identities in 2017, and the world will continue to try and shape me and fit me into its mould. BUT whatever happens, I belong to a great God whose ultimate plan is to unite all things to Him for His glory (Ephesians 1 hehe :">). When I am shaken and moved, I have one constant identity I can hold fast to. I belong to God, and ultimately that is my identity as a Christian in this world. Not just a student, not just a full-time working adult, not just a struggling believer, or an aspiring missionary - I am more than that, He is my maker, and I am His child.

Isaiah 54:10 NIV
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

::

I really like what William Carey put on his grave, and I would use it to directly answer my question, "who am I"? (K wow on hindsight, actually it is such a deep question to reflect on wahaha thanks for plunging in with me)

Who am I, that the Lord would know my name?

Who am I, that the Lord would care to include me as a part of His plan?

'A wretched poor and helpless worm, on thy kind arms I fall.'