Thank you wonderful friend, stranger. This platform has been a delight for me - by God's kindness, I've been able to have many wonderful conversations as a result of what I've written. I still wish for you to be able to read about how God has been real to me.

::

I will still be writing at:

•  https://ruthygan.wordpress.com. A pho-jou (photo-journal blog, haha yes I made that up hehe) to jot down my thanksgivings and share photos taken with my trusty second-hand Fujifilm X-T10.
• https://wearejarsofclay.wordpress.com. Do check this one out, it serves as a platform for other Christians to proclaim how God has worked / is working in their lives. 

See you around! x

In the clutches of the Cross,
Ruth

To end off, I'll retweet what my friend wrote in the last part of his (or her) letter. The song lyrics has encouraged me a lot and so has his-her (LOL k I'm so lame I shall stop) words of wisdom. It was really so refreshing to read this again and a really good summary (though still limited la) of God's immeasurable and infinite goodness.

August 2018

Funny - drafted this post a really long time ago but never got round to posting it. :o I guess it never saw the light of day because: 1. I was dissatisfied w my points but the inertia to edit and write it was so r e a l especially b’cos reading and writing all day err day @ work meant NO writing after work hours no thnx, so I let it sit as a jumbled outline in my drafts folder along with 1209310293 other half-constructed posts hehe (not proud of that); 2. I was fearful of being judged by others (pride issues). Anyway, in light of recent conversations w some friends, I realised that I should continue to write—it is my hope that it is not for self-glory, but for the sake of others and ultimately, that it should be for the glory and furthering of God’s kingdom.

This topic has been on my mind for the looooongest time—and even though at this point I may not seem like the most relatable person to be hearing from about singleness as a Christian, I wrote this post when I was still as single as a pringle and had no interest in bearded llamas. In fact, I am still single la because as the Bible states, there exists only 2 relationship statuses—“the unmarried man/woman” and “the married man/woman”(ref: 1 Cor 7), i.e., there is no such dating status, and therefore I am most definitely single slash not yet married (& perhaps never will be—who knows right, only God does. (: )

Anyway, I seriously am no guru on Christian singleness (legit I am not, I know other guys/girls/women who will be better people to talk to about this, or even good Christian books that expound on 1 Cor 7 way better than I do, for e.g. “Married for God” explains 1 Cor 7 really well imo!!! Oh, but the best would be for us to open our Bibles and to hear from God Himself about what it means to live as a Christian single in this world hehe :>). I am hence writing this because I hope to share a glimpse of my puny life experience and how God has graciously transformed and shaped me through His Word by His Spirit when I was learning (and am still learning) to live as a single in this sex-crazed world (lmao amirite).

When I drafted this post about a year ago, it was when some of my friends were aggressively matchmaking me with GCBs (Good Christian Boys lolol) maybe because I had been single for a really long time (by the world’s standards). Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to my friends, especially to Jo for all her efforts !!! best pal ever !!!!!! (: Albeit amusing and definitely not wrong of them to have done so, it was difficult for me at times because in those moments, I was tempted to think my life as incomplete unless I had gotten together with someone else.

So I wrote this because I needed to remind myself of certain truths I read in 1 Corinthians 7. These were really good reminders for me when I was a Christian single struggling to live in a world where relationships are pertinent and appeared to define one’s identity. All of a sudden, at the marriageable age of twenty-something the whole world is telling you that you have to find someone if not you will die alone (logical fallacy !!!). Well, regardless, they are now still good reminders to always strive to cling on to Christ and to be content in the status that He has called me to.
On an important note, it also does not mean that if we are single, we should never pursue anyone and never have feelings for anyone ever ever ever. I don’t think Paul means that because he mentions that marriage is not a bad thing (referring to the section I highlighted: “But if you do marry, you have not sinned”)—so we must be careful not to think of ourselves as awesome abstinence practicing holy wtv people if we are unmarried, and think of married people as weaklings.

It is okay to like/love someone la. In fact, Paul says that we should marry if our passions are going to cause us to sin (i.e., have sexual relationships outside of marriage)—“for it is better to marry than to burn with passion”. Feelings can be a good thing—if they are not mishandled. One should be careful to not let their feelings for someone else swell into discontentment and dissatisfaction with their current status (i.e., singleness) until it becomes a distraction from doing the most important thing, which is to live for Christ. Whichever status you have been called to, be content with that gift and use wtv resources you have to serve Christ (-:

Therefore, it should be highlighted that the person who is unmarried is not necessarily serving God on a higher pedestal just because he is “free from concern” (v32). Paul is just saying it would definitely be easier (i.e., he uses the word “better”) because the unmarried would be able to remain completely undivided. I can see why. Being together with someone taps on your emotional and time resources, which, if you were single, would be less spent (b'cos u don't have to deal w another sinner on top of your sinful self !!!).

On the other hand, the person who is married “has to be concerned with the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife (or vice versa)” (v33). His/her attention is now divided, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. He/she still obv can please God—but now his time and emotional resources are now split between serving his/her family and church community (? And maybe other things? Not v sure). The married person still serves the Lord by serving his or her family primarily, which is simply just different from how the unmarried would be able to serve the church. From my own observation, it appears to be true (not entirely sure tho)—for e.g., a mum with a newborn who used to read 121 w a younger girl no longer can because she needs to spend her weekdays taking care of her newborn. That being said, it is definitely not any easier than a single serving the church, in fact possibly way harder. It just is a different way of serving the Lord! (-:

Knowing this truth changed my life!!! I remember first reading it in Married for God (in Myanmar btw lmao because I insanely brought it for leisure reading #geysiao) and then going through it in 1 Corinthians 7 under the guidance of an older woman. It was really helpful for me to know that we should strive to be content in the status that God has put us in. My status is a gift—and I am thankful that I have the gift of singleness now, because I should and can use all of my time and efforts into living for Him wholeheartedly. Should I get married (i.e., attain the gift of marriage), I still can use my time and efforts to serve Him wholeheartedly, but in a different way. Most importantly, I am not defined by my relationship status, but rather by Christ, which should affect how I am to live (-:

Where did all the time go? The last time I wrote was the second month into the year, and now we are in the second-last month of the year?????? Wow wow wow???

Ok woman relax!!!

SO many h u g e events happened in the past year... I daresay I have definitely changed quite a bit as a person. Is this what they call adulting? :"< *meeps*

As I began to reflect on the past year, I realised that these significant changes caused significant shifts in my identity, which caused me to grapple with myself quite a bit. 2017 has really been crayyyyy. This year I was both a student and a working adult tween, hehe. I was both an infant, easily tossed back and forth by the deceitful and cunning waves of the world, and a young tree, learning to be rooted and built up in Him. I was also both a grumbling servant, and one who served with joyful obedience.

1. Student / Worker

Undoubtedly, graduating and working was one of the largest things that happened for me this year. It appears to me that it is a terrible thing for many people my age/generation...? I've seen many lament on their social media accounts that "it is the end" or that we've just "sold off our souls." There is a need to experience as much freedom as we can before we chain ourselves to the OL-life forever. Take that gap year. Travel the world.

K... I feel you la, really. I have ever felt the same. It is a huge-ass leap in life after all. I too did not expect myself to make that leap so soon. My initial plans were to go to New Zealand to do Discipleship Training School (DTS) for 6 months. Alhough part of me was genuine in wanting to go in order to equip myself, I believe a large part of my intention was to put off working life for a while and go on the exchange that I never had.

My attitude towards work has changed drastically in the whole course of 2017. Right now if you ask me, I beg to differ that working life sucks. I won't say I love it, but I definitely don't hate it. And the reason for that is not so much that I am having a whale of a time at work (tho I rlly do enjoy it la), but it is more of because God has been so kind in teaching me how to solely rely on Him in the entire process of considering what to do after I grad. I am where I am is because it is testament of God's amazing grace and His hand in my life.

It was a long and hard road to decide what to do after I graduated. When I went up to HK in April right after my FYP, I was struggling #firstworldproblems - I still vividly remember the feelings of uncertainty I felt. I'm sure every person who graduates can empathise - the well-carved out road for every privileged Singaporean youth has finally come to an end. Done with university. The fork in the road. Or worse, the edge of the cliff. Dunudnudnudndndundun what do I do next?

At that point in time I was still in the midst of waiting for the outcome of my job application and they hadn't notified me at all - not even for an interview. It was hard to trust that eventually it would work out for God's purposes. But even so, God was really encouraging me every step of the way through His Word la. On 27 April I wrote in my journal: A view as cloudy as the future, but surely God knows (": Thankful to all who have been praying and reading the Bible with me in this period of wooloomooloo. (Ya... I rlly must have been v confused at that point in time to have written that lmao)

I remember having my mind so set on the CU internship that I prayed that when we meet Florence in HK, she will help to convince my mother how CU can really equip me to read the Bible for myself and with others. But truly, the heart of man plans his way, but it is the Lord who establishes his steps. In the end when my mother and I met Florence, instead of changing the heart of my dear mother, God used her (a random almost-stranger at that point) to change me and show me how stubborn i was in surrendering my plans to His sovereign hands.

Yes, it was my initial intention to learn the Bible and work towards being a missionary immediately after I graduate, but mm, 1) parents, 2) I somehow got the only job I applied for. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my parents for wanting me to find a job first, and especially not God for graciously granting me this job. No, like I said, I enjoy what I am doing at work and I thank God that I am able to take some worry off my parents mind regarding my own financial stability.

Again don't get me wrong, I believe when I got the job it was not so much that God forced me to give up my "dreams which seemingly appears more in line with His plan" - ultimately, it was still MY choice. I could have easily rejected my successful job application and take up the CU internship. But there were many many other factors as well - being able to honour my parents was of course one of them. I am glad I was able to do so in this entire process. Also, the job I am currently doing was also something I did think of doing before wanting to do missions.

What I am trying to get at, really, is that this entire process, graduating, applying for a job, working, was God teaching me to trust in Him and to be assured that everything will always fall neatly in line with His sovereign will. And if I do become a missionary, the lessons I learnt, I believe, will go a long way. When my life is on the line, or when I am persecuted, or when I am threatened, will I be able to proclaim from the bottom of my heart, "God, you are good, and I wholeheartedly trust and believe in you"?

2. Infant / Growing Tree

I also thank God for other significant changes like having several people read with me 121 for the first time this year. There are certainly benefits of studying the Bible 121 with more mature, older women. The godly counsel, the sincerity, and most importantly, the constant manoeuvring back to the ultimately authority.

I was such a n00b.com at the start of the year, really. In Jan this year, Corli - a complete stranger - asked me to read the Bible with her after I talked to her for about... 30 mins??? What the pong ok, this never happened to me in my life. A complete stranger, ok??? And she was pregnant??? Got time? Got energy? I think I said OK because I find it v hard to reject strangers. Oh, and also because her son is super cute.

HAHA ok just kidding la. I mean, I was completely blown away by this initiative. She asked me to choose a short letter to read, and me being a complete noob at the Bible thought 1 Corinthians was a short letter. LOL. Despite that, Corli still said OK. I mean how is it that the love for God's Word and His people can compel others to love a stranger like me?

I praise God for this. I've learnt many things over the course of this year of being a privileged recipient of the 121 ministry with 3 different women. It is super amazing how my Bible knowledge grew so much in the span of a year... To think I really knew so little before this. Can you imagine how much more there is to know? But but but... hold up, it's not so much an academic exercise or a pursuit of knowledge per se, because I've learnt SO MUCH more than just Bible knowledge.

I've caught more glimpses of God's limitless character, more of my own heart as a Christian, and one of the most heartening takeaways was really - learning to love the church.

3. Begrudgingly / Joyfully

1 Cor 8:1 "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up."

Many do know I struggle with loving my own (physical) church - in fact, many of my good friends going overseas / leaving the church has caused me to be jaded to some extent. It's not because they were not there that there was no more reason to attend, but they not being there meant that I had no social support at all. Those who tried to understand, didn't really understand. I really felt very alone and shut out. I felt unheard. I was on a totally different page. It was very sad.

But all these reasons are SO me-centered.

God, in His kindness, led me to pray for my hardened heart. To yearn to love them and to serve them with joyful obedience. This was a long-drawn struggle that I was so so so so x10000000 sick of - but I really praise God for allowing me not to give up.

I still remember even up to the midway mark of this year I was still grumbling. I told Pris, "I don't get it. Why do I even give a shit about people who don't even give a shit about me?" (ok, crude)

And Pris told me... "Ruth, the fact that you are still here shows that it is not YOU who is working, but GOD working through you." It encouraged me a whole lot because it then showed me God was present - that I was staying and loving the people whom I found very difficult to serve not by my own strength.

And praise God because I don't feel this way anymore - I no longer feel that the people in church are hard to serve and love. I am free from the chains that once bound me so tightly. I ACTUALLY love the church. And I still remember this revelation came to me when we finished studying 1 Corinthians. I don't think it was an overnight change, but rather a gradual build up over time as we poured further into Paul's letter to the Corinthians. I was so amazed by God's ministry through Paul that I was eventually compelled to love the church. Everything for the sake of the gospel. Everything for the sake of building up the church.

This eventually led me to read 121 with several others in and outside my church. I have to say, this effort is not my own. Not one bit. If you knew me at the start of 2017, I wasn't someone who would have easily sacrificed my precious Friday and Saturday nights reading the word / investing in other people's lives. To a great extent being single helps obviously! And on a side note, tho I am appreciative of everyone's increasingly great concern as to why I am not attached yet, do know that I find so much contentment in being single, for now. (1 Corinthians 7 hehe)

I am thankful that I am on this particular path I am taking - for all the things that fell into place, the so-called coincidences and the strangers I encountered - I completely surrender and acknowledge that it was God who had a hidden hand in all of this. Every day - whether good or bad - I praise God for how He has shaped me and moulded me. I know I am still a work of art in progress, but I am really looking forward to the day He comes back again and I am completed by His very own hands (":

::

I wrote this post because of the dissonance I felt from the many identities I took on this year. But upon completion I realised one thing.

I may have had many identities in 2017, and the world will continue to try and shape me and fit me into its mould. BUT whatever happens, I belong to a great God whose ultimate plan is to unite all things to Him for His glory (Ephesians 1 hehe :">). When I am shaken and moved, I have one constant identity I can hold fast to. I belong to God, and ultimately that is my identity as a Christian in this world. Not just a student, not just a full-time working adult, not just a struggling believer, or an aspiring missionary - I am more than that, He is my maker, and I am His child.

Isaiah 54:10 NIV
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

::

I really like what William Carey put on his grave, and I would use it to directly answer my question, "who am I"? (K wow on hindsight, actually it is such a deep question to reflect on wahaha thanks for plunging in with me)

Who am I, that the Lord would know my name?

Who am I, that the Lord would care to include me as a part of His plan?

'A wretched poor and helpless worm, on thy kind arms I fall.'

Writing from a position where I am literally b u r s t i n g with so many words, yet I am unable to translate these words into proper sentences. This post has been through many rounds of self-doubt and worry (what if I end up not crediting her enough? why do I need to write this only to find myself in tears again?) - you have no idea - but I speak not with my own courage or determination and I write not for self-glory. Truly, thanks be to God who has opened my eyes to recognise and receive the hope I can have in Him through Jesus Christ. (-:

*takes a deep breath*

It has been a month. 14th January. 14th February. The couples are celebrating, the singles are mourning, but here I am - celebrating and mourning over the memory of a beloved.

If I could sum up the last years of my grandma's life, it would be that she didn't let her cancer define her. Sounds cliché as heck, yea? But truth be told, I can safely say that I have never met anyone as strong and selfless as her in my 22 years of lifetime.

In mid-October 2016, my grandma fell, hurt her head and was admitted to the hospital. Nothing serious, nothing grave. But it was then that my father and uncle found out that her breast cancer cells had spread and it had reached the fourth and deadliest stage. She had not told a single soul about the worsening of her cancer prior to the fall. When my dad informed us, I remember thinking that she had not much longer to live. I also remember being unable to stop the tears from streaming down my face at the Hall 9 bus stop. I thought to myself, 'Tomorrow when I visit her, what should I say to her?"

What do you say to someone whom you may potentially see for the last time?

The next day, we made our way to Tangkak Hospital - the very same hospital that Gong Gong passed away in 3 years ago. I don't dislike hospitals, but neither does it mean I like them. I saw her lying down, looking v helpless, looking v different from the Ahma I was used to. The fall had rendered her bedridden and essentially, fully dependent on others. She was someone who loved to get up and around to do things by herself around the house. I can't imagine how torturous it must have been for her to be lying there being unable to move her arms and legs.

Only a month ago, in September 2016, she visited Singapore after receiving treatment in JB. We ate together; I remember feeding her because her hand was swollen from all the chemo. We laughed together; we were playing with the filters on Snapchat. She was so amused and let slip loud chuckles whenever she saw her contorted face on the screen. Specifically, she was so grateful that all of us were gathered together in one place.

::

If I could say I knew my grandma well enough, she would prefer me not to write about her cancer. In fact, she wouldn't want me to write about her at all. She would want me to write about Jesus, His love and His work on the Cross.

Her cancer wasn't what defined her, but really what did, was her identity as a woman and child of God. Out of her character flowed God's love and patience. I came to see that one really could learn to love selflessly if only they are willing to immerse themselves in prayer and reading God's Word. My grandma's last years were a testament to that.

I can't speak for her earlier years, and I can't speak for her life as an older adult in her 60s, because I hadn't existed / I can't remember much. But what I have observed since I was a pre-teen, was that she was someone who - quote my mom - "has a heart of service".

Joyful submission to the Lord and to her husband. Heartfelt service to the people around her. Sacrificial love that could only come from first knowing God's love. The people who have spent more time with my grandma in Tangkak shared several stories about her at her funeral, which proved to me that she wasn't just being "nice" to me just because I was her grandchild, but because she really had a heart for God's people.

She took care of my wheelchair-bound grandpa on her own - my grandpa was almost two times her size - she showered him, changed him, brought him to church. She cooked for me even when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and hardcore insisted that she washed my bowl and cutlery for me. So insistent until I could only stand a metre away from the sink, staring at her back and her swollen hand while she washed away. She didn't tell a single soul about the worsening of her condition because she didn't want to worry anyone. When we found out, she would only live for 3 months after. She cared for her church friends like family, prayed for them, cooked for them and served in church until she could no longer serve when her health took a turn for the worse.

Her heart for God's people could only stem from God's love for her. Even if whatever she gave to all of us was only a fraction of God's mega amazing and upz love, it was already enough to impact so many lives. Because our God is really just SO, SO great. To the world, Death may have conquered on that fateful afternoon on 14th Jan 2017, but that isn't what I see. God has given her the victory through Jesus Christ. Jesus has truly saved her from her sin. And death has been swallowed up in victory.

::

Ahma, thank you for showing me how to love and serve others. You have inspired me to live selflessly and love unconditionally. More than that, you have shown me that sharing God's love with others is only made possible if we are able to immerse ourselves in the Word and prayer. You have inspired me to pursue and submit to the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength. Thank you for allowing me to know what it means to be a faithful and selfless woman of God. See you very, very soon x

::

Made a video for my grandma's wake when I had nothing to do in the afternoon before the wake - so I thought I should try and be useful in some way or another. Super cheesy video but I bawled my eyes out making it. There is a scene that my grandma sings 'Because He Lives' - that was in End-Oct / Nov 2016 - she sang it with all her heart and it gets me every time. She was bedridden and rendered practically useless. In some sense, she could have spent her time wallowing in self-pity, but she believed with all her heart that, because He lives, she could face tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone. 'Because He Lives' was my grandpa's and grandma's favourite song - it has now become mine.

I've not written in a while, but I've actually tried to construct this post for over a million times now. For the countless times I've tried to write, all my posts just end up being sorted into Drafts. At times, I shift the blame on my laziness to think it through; other times, I just cave in and succumb to my grumbling heart. )': Yet on hindsight, me being unable to be at peace with myself was a manifestation of how much I was struggling to understand my struggle of being placed in a community that I feel does not serve my needs (i.e. I am not getting spiritually fed in the way that I want to) #geddit #isittoocheem

Caveat: Firstly, I thought about it for superrrrr long as to whether I should even write this b'cos I was scared I would stumble those I was serving - but b'cos this issue has since been resolved and this is more of a reflection / testimony rather than complaining / grumbling, I will write it anyway. Secondly, I am obv not a teacher of any sorts and am just writing this based on my own experience - so it's very idiographic rather than nomothetic. Not every single person can relate, and not everyone will be able to apply my resolution to their situation. Thirdly, I find this very hard to write because I still belong to these groups and I don't want to implicate anyone or any denomination or any group whatsoever blablabla, but because my struggle came from my own perception of things and not everyone shares a similar perception, I will still share my story.

I come from a place where I was stuck in the middle. It sucks - feeling like you don't belong, yet holding on because you know you have to. Very guilt inducing because I wanted to serve with joyful obedience - I s e r i ously wanted to obey but v hard leh!!! Basically, I knew I was not well-versed in the Bible, yet I experienced good teaching elsewhere to think that my community was not teaching me in the way that would help me to grow spiritually.

Throughout this time, I preferred keeping my pain to myself - b'cos I would obviously like to deal w it by myself thnx v much #prideproblems. It was easy for me to push it to the back of my mind but the underlying turmoil occasionally jolted me when I encountered certain events (e.g., hearing things I am not comfortable with spoken by the people within my community) that triggered the memory. But y'know, it's common knowledge that keeping things to yourself isn't exactly the wisest thing to do. Ya, study Psychology but still do this kind of dumb things #welldone HAHA but I guess on hindsight it is because this issue caused so much frustration and guilt within me that I found it so hard to share it with anyone in my community.

"Pain becomes proud because it believes no one understands."

Quoting Marshall Segal,
"God has undeniably blessed us by giving us brothers and sisters in Christ who have suffered like us (or better, who are suffering like us even now). There’s a sacred bond of comfort and encouragement between those who have tasted the same pain. God has graciously given us co-sufferers who often provide unique and meaningful comfort.⠀

“People don’t get excited about burdens being laid on their back, they get excited about a burden-lifter,” said Piper. “They get excited about a God infinitely worthy of their allegiance and their worship. So my counsel is, put very little emphasis on programs in the church. Rather, put a huge emphasis on heralding and exulting over the greatness of God, the unsearchable riches of Christ, the glories of our salvation, the wonders of the Bible, and weave into that a life of prayer for your people that God would give them a taste for this glory so that they don’t feel forced. You don’t want service because you have twisted their arm into it. You want service that is overflowing out of joy in God.”


No better way to put this ^. The entire process was exasperating and frustrating and I felt so tired b'cos even though it was a community thing, it felt like a committee thing. I say process because it did not involve just today, but it was a long process that started way back, tho in the end it still felt last minute. /facepalm

I don't know where to start. But after talking to Vic, I realised one thing - there is a lack of trust in my relationship with God (as in, I don't trust God :<) And that is really very upsetting :< Pride (putting myself above God) has been a issue in my life for like a thousand years, and obviously it is still an issue.

This morning, I was clearly on my toes as it seemed like I had a million things to do. Looking back, I was being such a Martha. I was doing everything when really all I should do was to prayerfully prepare my heart for worship. But then again, I couldn't since we had to practice for the mass song offering.

It's funny since I got myself into this sticky situation b'cos we kind of made everyone present the song without knowing whether their hearts were in the right place. So I should have expected dat deadpan response (edit: referring to the practice we had 10 min before service started - not really the actual offering). Time was tight, and we had to move quickly.

I made many excuses for myself. I was so annoyed - b'cos no one bothered stepping up to lead the song (it wasn't really supposed to be under me), and no one bothered stepping up to coordinate the cellebrate team (from the start it wasn't supposed to be under me either). I suppose you can already feel my frustration from reading this, haha, but don't worry obviously this is not a pointing fingers blaming others post, press on to the end to find out hehe :>

All this while, I was so frustrated b'cos the lack of support from my peers, which I stubbornly believed led to a depletion of the joy I had in serving. Innately, I shifted the blame to others simply b'cos no. 1 mr pride was knocking on my door as usual and no. 2 I was so sure of myself that I was relying on God for strength and doing this for Him.

But dundundun... I couldn't reconcile the fact that even though I continuously looked to God, I could not experience the joy I had in serving. Is it b'cos I didn't pray desperately enough???? Or did I not try hard enough??? Or is it b'cos in the first place I did not know that joy??? Very confusing and very, very frustrating.

So talking to Vic just now, I realised that it just boils down to... personal management skills? HAHA whaaAAAaaat? You know, we cannot control the external factors (how people will respond, whether things will go smoothly etc.) but we can control the internal factors (how we respond to God, how we respond to the situation etc.) Vic was telling me she was also placed in a stressful position - our worship team was down to just 6 people with a lack of musicians and she had to be the pianist for practically every song today. Choosing the songs were also difficult b'cos she had to cater to WS1 oldies, WS2 young adultlings and cellebrate new friends. In her words, "I could have chosen to hate the world (LOLOLOL)," but she didn't. Instead, she chose to see that God would give her strength and provide in the situation. She made use of what she was given and let God do the rest.

In that sense, my situation was the exact opposite of hers. I was given too much (to handle). I wish I could say that I made use of what I was given and let God do the rest. But I can't. Hm, honestly there are times when I still feel bitter over the fact that everything piled up on the worship committee and that in looking to Him for provision, I got silence.

So this morning, even though my heart yearned so much for the community to serve with joy and gladness, it seemed that they were doing it more out of obligation and dread (edit: during the practice it did seem like it - perhaps not for the real thing). But yeah, all in all, if you see it from my position, it doesn't work out at all - I yearned so much for others to serve with joy, but I was coming from a place where I did not have the joy in me. Depleted max.

Regardless, it was clear that God sustained me with a strength greater than no other. I am extremely grateful I didn't come out of this hating the church and wanting to quit. Even more so, I came out of this desiring even more to be the mouthpiece and tool for Him to help His children draw closer to Him. We often talk about evangelising to our friends, but sometimes evangelism really begins with those in our midst, and most of all, ourselves.

The next step of my journey begins with me learning to trust with all my heart that He is the Maker and the Provider. In being tested, I now really understand what it means to say that "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with song I praise Him." (Ps 28:7 NIV)

This reminds me of something I just read!!!

“Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. ... We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means—the only complete realist.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

And so this brings me back to John Piper's article, on how in getting people to serve, we should first direct them - not to what they're supposed to do - but really what has been done for them by Christ. That is just so important and perhaps this is where we (or I) fall short this Youth Sunday. Well, actually this not only affects Youth Sunday song presentation blablabla, but in every aspect of our community - like, for the rest of our lives I guess, haha. We say XS is family? But is it really? How can we teach and empower others to serve God and each other better? (RE: John Piper's article - The Art Of Motivation #legit)

He knows His people more than I do. And I am His building project more than the community is mine. Lesson learnt - tho I am truly in a freaking ass war with this world, I'm not giving up only b'cos Jesus chose me to be on His side.