Testimonies
Learning To Serve
December 10, 2016
I've not written in a while, but I've actually tried to construct this post for over a million times now. For the countless times I've tried to write, all my posts just end up being sorted into Drafts. At times, I shift the blame on my laziness to think it through; other times, I just cave in and succumb to my grumbling heart. )': Yet on hindsight, me being unable to be at peace with myself was a manifestation of how much I was struggling to understand my struggle of being placed in a community that I feel does not serve my needs (i.e. I am not getting spiritually fed in the way that I want to) #geddit #isittoocheem
Caveat: Firstly, I thought about it for superrrrr long as to whether I should even write this b'cos I was scared I would stumble those I was serving - but b'cos this issue has since been resolved and this is more of a reflection / testimony rather than complaining / grumbling, I will write it anyway. Secondly, I am obv not a teacher of any sorts and am just writing this based on my own experience - so it's very idiographic rather than nomothetic. Not every single person can relate, and not everyone will be able to apply my resolution to their situation. Thirdly, I find this very hard to write because I still belong to these groups and I don't want to implicate anyone or any denomination or any group whatsoever blablabla, but because my struggle came from my own perception of things and not everyone shares a similar perception, I will still share my story.
I come from a place where I was stuck in the middle. It sucks - feeling like you don't belong, yet holding on because you know you have to. Very guilt inducing because I wanted to serve with joyful obedience - I s e r i ously wanted to obey but v hard leh!!! Basically, I knew I was not well-versed in the Bible, yet I experienced good teaching elsewhere to think that my community was not teaching me in the way that would help me to grow spiritually.
Throughout this time, I preferred keeping my pain to myself - b'cos I would obviously like to deal w it by myself thnx v much #prideproblems. It was easy for me to push it to the back of my mind but the underlying turmoil occasionally jolted me when I encountered certain events (e.g., hearing things I am not comfortable with spoken by the people within my community) that triggered the memory. But y'know, it's common knowledge that keeping things to yourself isn't exactly the wisest thing to do. Ya, study Psychology but still do this kind of dumb things #welldone HAHA but I guess on hindsight it is because this issue caused so much frustration and guilt within me that I found it so hard to share it with anyone in my community.
"Pain becomes proud because it believes no one understands."
Quoting Marshall Segal,
But empathy is not a qualification for ministry. God can speak as truly and deeply to our pain through sympathy, as he can through empathy. If we’ll listen to him. The Bible, as a book for the hurting and heart-broken, speaks above all of our suffering, whether it’s experienced with someone or not. Pride may try to deny it, but God can speak powerfully through a Spirit-filled friend who knows little about your experience of suffering, but holds God’s book open before you."
SOOOO I am writing this now b'cos in the past week of finally allowing myself to discuss and talk to people about this + having good Bible teachers address this core issue at SSBC, I learnt that I should not be focusing only on memyselfandI, but more importantly looking to those around me and see how I can better serve them. Not being just a consumer and walloping everything up, but also thinking about how I can give to others using the things I have learnt.
That being said, it's not easy when you are in a place where a large emphasis is put on doing instead of coming together to read His Word. In putting a community of sinners together, I see commitment issues, a lack of interest, lukewarm hearts, a lack of support, unedifying words, loveless, exclusive, selfish and proud. But how much does it take for me to admit that - this worthless sinner, it is I. I am that sinner. I am the one who contributes to the brokenness of the community. I am the one who is lacking.
And hence, the only One who can change, renew and revive the community is Jesus. He desires mercy, not sacrifice. Not my works, but my heart. Loving whilst doing. Edifying and not criticising. Forgiving and not hating. Obedience not sacrifice. How am I going to do that???
I can't.
Only He can. And through His Word, He teaches and offers me a solution as to how.
I am not in a position to change things, but I am definitely in a position to be a part of the solution (i.e., serving) rather than a part of the problem (i.e., by leaving or by giving in to my utterly ungrateful and grumbling heart). Striving to serve others first by living out the Word - the Word that has completely changed my life because it has given me hope and delight. It's no doubt v difficult living a gospel-centered life - being slow to anger, being slow to grumble, and embodying a heart of love and servitude.
But every single day, I have to recognise the importance of His Word and to put His authoritative Word on the throne of my life. And if I don't, I have the Holy Spirit in me whom I can ask to stir up that desire to receive and to understand. The Word being God talking about His Son through His Holy Spirit to call us into a relationship with Him. The living and breathing Word. Not just mere printed words on a page, but a King sitting on a throne pointing His sceptre at me actually saying these Words. The living and breathing Word.
And as such, I am learning to better serve God's people. It's not easy but I have to continuously remind myself to have a servitude that comes from first going to the Word, i.e. drawing strength from His Word and living it out prayerfully with an attitude of worship. It's also great that I don't have to do this alone, but with a great support system in school with like-minded believers that encourage me and a good teacher that teaches and grounds me in His Word. (P.S. And so what do I do when school ends? Do I learn to feed myself? Or do I re-join BSF? There are countless options available and I should not at any point think that there is nothing left for me to help myself.)
More importantly, I must never forget the opportunity He has given me to serve HIM by serving His people. It is because I was placed in this position in the first place that allowed me to acknowledge Him as my Father - showing me that He is King and that He is in control. Being where I am right now is a v v clear reminder that He first drew me close to Him. He shaped me and impacted me right here in this community that He called me to serve. Called to be selfless instead of selfish; obedient instead of wilful; serving instead of giving in and giving up.
I would like to end with the Psalmist's words in Psalm 119 (v25-32). Though the Psalmist's suffering is way more extreme than mine (to the point of death like pls srsly #winliaolor), I identify with the Psalmist's yearning and desire to know His Word because he recognises it is the only way to receive life. (': And so despite the suffering I had to go endure (for the lack of a better word, but I really mean being in a community I found so so hard to joyfully serve), I am glad that I now go through it with joy, peace and understanding because I found it in His Word. His authoritative, clear, sufficient, powerful Word.
::
SOOOO I am writing this now b'cos in the past week of finally allowing myself to discuss and talk to people about this + having good Bible teachers address this core issue at SSBC, I learnt that I should not be focusing only on memyselfandI, but more importantly looking to those around me and see how I can better serve them. Not being just a consumer and walloping everything up, but also thinking about how I can give to others using the things I have learnt.
That being said, it's not easy when you are in a place where a large emphasis is put on doing instead of coming together to read His Word. In putting a community of sinners together, I see commitment issues, a lack of interest, lukewarm hearts, a lack of support, unedifying words, loveless, exclusive, selfish and proud. But how much does it take for me to admit that - this worthless sinner, it is I. I am that sinner. I am the one who contributes to the brokenness of the community. I am the one who is lacking.
And hence, the only One who can change, renew and revive the community is Jesus. He desires mercy, not sacrifice. Not my works, but my heart. Loving whilst doing. Edifying and not criticising. Forgiving and not hating. Obedience not sacrifice. How am I going to do that???
I can't.
Only He can. And through His Word, He teaches and offers me a solution as to how.
I am not in a position to change things, but I am definitely in a position to be a part of the solution (i.e., serving) rather than a part of the problem (i.e., by leaving or by giving in to my utterly ungrateful and grumbling heart). Striving to serve others first by living out the Word - the Word that has completely changed my life because it has given me hope and delight. It's no doubt v difficult living a gospel-centered life - being slow to anger, being slow to grumble, and embodying a heart of love and servitude.
But every single day, I have to recognise the importance of His Word and to put His authoritative Word on the throne of my life. And if I don't, I have the Holy Spirit in me whom I can ask to stir up that desire to receive and to understand. The Word being God talking about His Son through His Holy Spirit to call us into a relationship with Him. The living and breathing Word. Not just mere printed words on a page, but a King sitting on a throne pointing His sceptre at me actually saying these Words. The living and breathing Word.
And as such, I am learning to better serve God's people. It's not easy but I have to continuously remind myself to have a servitude that comes from first going to the Word, i.e. drawing strength from His Word and living it out prayerfully with an attitude of worship. It's also great that I don't have to do this alone, but with a great support system in school with like-minded believers that encourage me and a good teacher that teaches and grounds me in His Word. (P.S. And so what do I do when school ends? Do I learn to feed myself? Or do I re-join BSF? There are countless options available and I should not at any point think that there is nothing left for me to help myself.)
More importantly, I must never forget the opportunity He has given me to serve HIM by serving His people. It is because I was placed in this position in the first place that allowed me to acknowledge Him as my Father - showing me that He is King and that He is in control. Being where I am right now is a v v clear reminder that He first drew me close to Him. He shaped me and impacted me right here in this community that He called me to serve. Called to be selfless instead of selfish; obedient instead of wilful; serving instead of giving in and giving up.
I would like to end with the Psalmist's words in Psalm 119 (v25-32). Though the Psalmist's suffering is way more extreme than mine (to the point of death like pls srsly #winliaolor), I identify with the Psalmist's yearning and desire to know His Word because he recognises it is the only way to receive life. (': And so despite the suffering I had to go endure (for the lack of a better word, but I really mean being in a community I found so so hard to joyfully serve), I am glad that I now go through it with joy, peace and understanding because I found it in His Word. His authoritative, clear, sufficient, powerful Word.
I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me and teach me your law.
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, Lord;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have broadened my understanding.
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me and teach me your law.
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, Lord;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have broadened my understanding.
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